tiggymalvern | The Cranks are out for Christmas!

I just got a call from The Dove Foundation asking for my support. Sometimes it's lovely and therapeutic to be able to tell people exactly what you think of them and their mission and their moral standpoint. Though out of respect for their delicate little sensibilities, of course, I did so entirely without swearing.

Their website does at least provide a certain level of entertainment at the inanities of small-minded people. Reviews such as the one of For Your Consideration, which the reviewer says throughout is a fantastically witty satire, and ends with, 'However, due to the language, we cannot recommend this one.' Language that consists of one each of 'hell', 'ass', 'Jesus', 'Oh my God' and 'fuck'. Oh, and there are scenes of casual drinking - how appalling!

Fascinatingly, this organisation gives its seal of approval to Jet Li's Fearless; because of course, although the movie was made so Jet Li could kick the crap out of people and fight with swords, importantly nobody swears in it. And there's not a hint of sex or nudity.

The best one, though? The best one has to be the review of Rocky Balboa. The reviewer enthuses about the story of triumph over adversity, about the main character's humble spirit and strength of character, about the demonstrated 'Respect for God and Jesus through prayer and scripture.' And then concludes with 'however, there is one GD (that's goddamn to those of you unfamiliar with Dove parlance) uttered by Paulie in a fit of anger. While many people might consider that term to accurately express the passion of the moment, Dove always draws the line at "Biblical profanity."'

Clearly it's important to draw your lines steadfast and true! Amusingly, this of course puts Rocky Balboa in the same 'not approved' category as 'Crank', which is 'totally unbelievable, profanity ridden with the "F" word being the favorite choice, and has no redeeming value at all which I can think of.' Oh, and don't forget the gratuitous sex in a public street XD

And just in case anyone hadn't quite got the message, the reviewer says of The Fountain, 'I must say, I am a science fiction fan but this movie lost me from the very beginning.'

Well, of course. Because if you had any level of intelligence or ability to think beyond what you're told, you wouldn't be a member of Dove, would you?