The Flood

[tiggymalvern]

1. The eve before the day, there was laundry. And the laundry bore labels that did declare 'Handwash only'. So there was handwashing.

2. Along the halls came a constant ringing of bells, and she in the laundry did follow the sound and talk with those who created it. And when the talking was done, and the bells were silent, the laundry lay forgotten and abandoned.

3. And there was a great outpouring of water throughout the laundry.

4. And there had been put forth an order, declaring that all houses in the region should be built with vents in the floor for the distribution of heat in a way that was cheap to lay down, but poorly efficient for its purpose. So the great waters of the flood rushed into the vents and did follow the pipes until they arrived at the gas furnace, and then spread beyond across the garage. And there was cold throughout the house, as had also been the case at the dwelling of imre_nico. Though with less purpose and style.

5. And lo, we await the coming of the Great Heating Man that he may rescue the soul of the furnace from eternal damnation, or declare it beyond salvation in this lifetime.

Comments

[mmapmaker.livejournal.com]

Oh my dear. I feel for you, truly I do, as I have been in your situation not once, but twice. And lo, it was cold indeed.

Last year it was my 18-year-old clothes washer that overflowed, and this year it was the water heater (which is, stupidly, in the attic, and even more stupidly, above the house rather than the garage). Twice the laundry room took on water, and twice, vast quantities of said water went right down the floor vents. And soaked the floors in the three adjoining rooms, just for good measure. I dislike appliances that must overachieve whilst they are failing....

Of course both these events happened in late October, just as we were ushering in cold spells. We won't discuss how long it took to get the heat back on, as that would be discouraging.

I'm sending warm thoughts your way, as well as thoughts of speed for the Furnace Repair god!

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

We're almost getting used to the no heat situation, between the power cuts and now this! At least this way we still have lights and computers :-)

To be honest, I think it might be better that the water mainly disappeared down the vents and ended up in the garage. Repairing/replacing the furnace is probably an improvement over having the structure of the house saturated. We've only got two small wet patches of carpet, one in the laundry room doorway and one by the door to the garage, and no wet walls.

I don't understand having water storage tanks above the house either. In Britain, they're all like that, and it makes no sense.

[imre-nico.livejournal.com]

6.)

And lo, the post was good. She did laugh mightily at the commission of the woman's words, but rued sorely her predicament. And there was much lamentation in the house of imre_nico, which rose to join the lamentations in the house of tiggymalvern, for often it has been said that 1970s furnaces and furnace conversions are the most unblessed of all residential heating systems.

And while there was much rueing, an avenging angel did descend and smite many people for effect and stood upon the railing of the back deck, his arms wide to declare:

"God hath created the furnace, and does that not make thine furnace perfect? Shame be thine, Daughters of Yaoi."


7.) And lo, it did become apparent that he was Elijah Wood, and he was known to all who wrote slash as mystery and conundrum, for he was that most harrowing of harrows, beyond even male pregnancy and tentacle rape, for the kingdom of Heaven he called home answered to the unspeakable name of RPS Wingfic, which was bizarrely exclusive to his own fandom, and could not be spoken aloud, lest one's !!!!!!!s become 11111111s, and one's rough penetration turn to aishiteru.

8.) And these women did write mockingly of the angel in their journals of live. And the women were unrepentant harlots all, and did not repent, nor tear their hair, nor beg forgiveness.

One said "Is it not God that said also 'if thine own ductwork offend thee, rip it out?' "

And lo, the angel Eliijah was forced to admit that the scripture did not actually contain any concrete references to heating systems and the heavenly procedures thereof, and that he had made the whole thing up:

"I was winging it," the angel did pun, and the pun did not please the assembled, who found Elijah Wood neither cute nor sexy, for they did not practice in pseudo-pedophaelia, but were instead more inclined to toil at gun and uniform kink, respectively, with both having a healthy predilection for psychological and physical scars and aesthetically spilled blood.

This he did on the pretense of wanting to confiscate all the gay porn from the house of Malvern, ostensibly as censure by divine mandate from Heaven, but in truth for entirely personal reasons known only to the angel Elijah himself, and that Dominick guy that looks like a munchkin with a pube toupee.

9.) And the furnaces did sit quietly, and no heat did go forth.

10.) And the beasts of the couch did lie with each other and their rawhides before space heaters.

11.) Etcetera, everlasting.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

for often it has been said that 1970s furnaces and furnace conversions are the most unblessed of all residential heating systems.

Though not cursed to dwell in the deepest circles of hell as are those of 1906, which bear the mark of the True Beast, Asbestos.

And the Furnace, imperfect and impure though it may be, and flawed in the sight of Heaven by its design, is yet to be preferred over the Absence of Furnace.

This he did on the pretense of wanting to confiscate all the gay porn from the house of Malvern, ostensibly as censure by divine mandate from Heaven

And yet it was, in spite all the furies of the Tempest, the Gay Porn did defy the winds and the blizzards and the floods, and remain intact within the shelter of the House. And more shall yet be written. For it is good.

And the beasts of the couch did lie with each other and their rawhides before space heaters.

And it is declared that the lap of one Human is insufficient for the presence of two Cats upon the couch, and censure shall fall upon those Humans who dare defy the Law.

[imre-nico.livejournal.com]

Hark, however, to the inclusion of the furnace of the house of Nico in the previous verse about 1970s furnaces, as this furnace did hail from 1906 when it did burn oil, but came to be converted in the 70s to natural gas.

And muchly did it go forth lo these many years until the plague of broken fan.

And muchly did it suck after.

And much money will be pouring into the coffers of usurers forthwith, but the house of Nico did rise up like men and remove their own asbestos.

And lo, many precautions were taken.

And heat shall come right soon.

But before it shall come porn, returning to the house of Malvern from whence it came, as the locusts have finally settled.

Where there be two cats let there be demands of tribute and lauding given unto the tetrarchy and acknowledgment of dominion in all domestic domocile.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

And the furnace of Malvern was declared sullied beyond all redemption, and taken sadly to its grave. But in the face of death, there was rejoicing still, for the furnace was old, and had few years left. And tomorrow there will be a new Furnace, bigger and better and more kindly to the Environment and small kittens, and it will be the Saviour of us all.

And mostly it shall be paid for by the Insurance.

Hear ye, hear ye, wait not for your furnaces to die, but destroy them willfully in advance, to the benefit of all!

It is also declared that porn shall be accepted with much gratitude, for then it may be spread beyond to heal the ills of the world with gratuitous mansex. I do look keenly now to the ether in anticipation of its arrival.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Praise him! May his assbabies be without number.

[imre-nico.livejournal.com]

And it was done, and the Lord saw what he had done, and pronounced it good.

Then there was a blinding flash of light in the West, and God revealed himself to be a thirteen year old girl with sacred Pocky™ crumbs on his holy Gundam Wing shirt and a vaunted yaoi paddle on his godly wall beside various crude but genitally praiseworthy male nudes and pixel drawings of himself being spooned by Sephiroth.

And there was LOL.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

And Sephiroth himself did vomit mightily at the sight, and draw forth his blade with no thought of mercy.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

Not in this one. And not in the kitchen sinks either, when we investigated.

I've never left a tap running forgotten before, and I've never had a sink without a bloody great hole in it near the top either - funny how the two come together so well, innit?

[isabeau-gower.livejournal.com]

Oh, no. Sorry to hear about the nasty chain reaction of events. Hope the man with the tools comes quickly and brings your heat with him.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

Me too! They're predicting snow tonight and temperatures near freezing till Sunday ::shiver::

[rzyna.livejournal.com]

oh dear, that really sucks! but I rather did enjoy reading the post, I liked the style you chose to write it in! I hope it gets fixed quicky! and at least you have electricity this time! if it'll take a while to get repaired (replaced?), you could get a space heater or two.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

Oh, electricity's definitely better! It makes alternative heat sources to fireplaces available :-)

There was more going on last night too, as one of the cats skinned his pad on something an hour or so earlier, and was running round during all the exciting mopping leaving little bloody footprints wherever he went. I couldn't get a bandage to stay on his foot with the materials we had till I bought some heavy duty cat-resistant stuff today. There comes a point when you're eating at midnight after a couple of hours of water removal, when you look at the multiplying red pawprints, have another drink and say 'Whatever'.

[yma2.livejournal.com]

Er... good luck with that heating dude. Hope the flood did'nt cause any other problems.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

It took three hours for all the water to drain out of the bottom of the gas furnace. I think it might be dead, but I'll wait for the Man to pass official judgement. Fortunately the vent outlet seems to have led the water to bypass the walls and electrics, though we haven't tried the light in the garage yet....

[tameiki.livejournal.com]

OMG, between you and imre_nico, I was rolling on the floor laughing with tears running down my face. You two should be bottled. Bet we could make a fortune! XD

I'm sorry to hear that both of you are currently without heat right now. Hope the Great Heating Man can work a miracle or two. :)

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

I was rolling on the floor laughing with tears running down my face.

Now, now, that's not us, that's the drugs, dear XD

[tameiki.livejournal.com]

Now, now, that's not us, that's the drugs, dear XD

Oh. *giggles*

I think it still would've been funny even without the drugs. XD

Most of my new Higuri You collection has come in now with the exception of a few volumes that got back ordered. Was it Cantarella or Seimaden that's complete and all out now? *paws at pretty bois*

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, yeah, about that. You know, I thought Seimaden was, but only if you're willing to read it in German. I really shouldn't have so many international multilingual friends. So, um, neither.

[tameiki.livejournal.com]

I can barely handle English and Japanese with enough Spanish, French and ASL to make me really dangerous. I think I'll wait for the English version or get the Japanese ones and leave the German version strictly alone. XD

On Cantarella 2 already. Pretty bois. Lots of angst. And there's even semi-plot. *gasps!* Oh, what have I done getting into this one? :D

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

The good stuff, that's what you're getting into :-) It gets plottier and plottier with deviousness all round - perfect fodder for the cultured!

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

It's funny how even a little water can look like a lot of water when it's spread across the floor. But that furnace was basically full - I think it was storing as much as the hot water tank. It just couldn't leak fast enough.

[king-chiron.livejournal.com]

Damn, sorry to hear it! At least you have good practice at using the fireplace.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, we had a crash course in keeping fires in over the five day power cut! We'll need it now the predicted snow's here....

[king-chiron.livejournal.com]

Snowing there? Nothing here, although I've been reading that parts of Redmond are already without power.

Interesting article about burying power lines in the Seattle Times today, estimates it costs $1 million/mile to burying existing overhead lines, guess I shouldn't hold my breath.

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

It put down 1/4" by 10.30pm, then stopped. Nothing exciting.

I saw that article - front page too, it must have been a slow news day XD

[jo-lasalle.livejournal.com]

You've been so spoiled having both heat and electricity, obviously. :-/ One more reason handwash only items are of the devil... Hope you get that sorted out soon!

[tiggymalvern.livejournal.com]

Handwash only items are the devil - I own very few, and most of them go through the washing machine on delicate perfectly happily. The only reason these two jumpers got the special treatemtn is because they were brand new, and I wanted to see how they reacted. After a few washes, these will get to brave a delicate cycle too.